I want to be honest with you. More often than not, I'm stumbling and sometimes struggling through the days! Challenges abound in this life, and I oftentimes can feel lost - not knowing what to do and where to go.
Part of the reason behind this blog post is as an outlet - both for creative expression but also sharing a snapshot of some of the 'behind the scenes' of my life.
Most people won't ever know the effort and work put into the various projects/ministries (and likewise I'm sure its the same for you to me. It certainly is for these people). Believe me there have been some rough times this year so far. Tech can be tricky. And people too - fortunately this hasn't been a huge issue!
Work.
I will pay for a good theology of work 🙃️. I started reading Tim Keller's 'Every Good Endeavour' sometime ago (ahhaha x2) but after hearing some teaching and discussions on the perspectives of the eternal value of work, I'm not quite settled on my thoughts on this yet. (This was an interesting listen, and this is a good summary of the book)
Anyhow, working life and my day job has been at times somewhat of a struggle street for the past 2+ years. (I don't know exactly what it is. But as a young person, I am finding myself, my hopes and dreams...) Perhaps it's the work environment and lifestyle - full time remote work can admittedly be challenging, and I definitely know I can't do this long term. And yes the whole world is currently stuck at home!! Think: "stuck in front of a computer all day" vibe together with "being stuck in my room all day" And perhaps its because work is what it is, work. And there will always be moments of just plainly difficult and toilsome work which can be frustrating and stressful.
I know I can't expect true satisfaction in this world, but part of me wants to believe in better pursuits. I suspect I'm too fearful to go and find such. Pray for me on this!
And I (really) should be thankful that I am employed at a time where job losses are at an all time high. I have friends and have met people who frequently have to overtime, or have nasty bosses who constantly are undermining their employees (crazy but true!) And outside the sphere of work, some have soo much else going on in their lives** (and it's hard for me to comprehend). It's important to have a wider perspective on things.
The other part to work besides the day job is... everything that happens outside the day job! I once was describing to my work to a friend using the words "day job" and he responded, "so do you have another job at night?" He was not a full time worker!
Rest.
"Relax" "De-Stress" "Chill"
I have a bad habit of overthinking. It can manifest in small ways (I'll delete the blank shared google doc I just created, because my mind begins thinking that 'hey maybe X should be the one to create the doc since they are more adept with what is going on). My mind seems to constantly be trying to problem solve stuff.
Another angle to this is the fact that I've been responsible for several other things outside of my day job. I actually now think this has been a real problem for me; it all adds up.
I really stand by my decision to have said 'No' to serving on a certain event-based ministry this year. Yep - 'the phone call' is done and dusted for this year. Although part of me would really have loved to jump at the chance to be a 'production (gap) manager'!
I am pretty sure I died a bit last year (2019) working on several volunteering projects. It was actually no fun having to manage work on top of a full time job, even though I had the 'skills'* and more-so the 'willingness' to be generous with what I could give of my time and efforts. And I really wanted to build a good thing too. But it quickly became clear that I didn't have the capacity / bandwidth given my other existing commitments. Anyhow the couple of people I've spoken to for this year have been quite understanding, and I've communicated that I won't be able to commit to volunteering as much this year.
Fun fact: Those technical experiences from last year came in handy for an online conference run by a separate ministry this year.
As my pastor has said to me, burnout happens when the joy isn't there to serve.
People.
We are in the middle of the Coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak. People are physically disconnected.
I can't comment on impact to the work situation as much since my own work environment hardly changed (if at all).
Why did they call it "Social distancing" over "Physical distancing"??
Personally I've been forced to think about: (1) Who are my friends? (2) How do I connect with them? Admittedly these questions were around last year too, now just more poignant (?).
And I'm super thankful for all the opportunities that there have been to still socialise, connect, and be 'present' with other people during this pandemic, and everyone who has reached out to me! Whether it's been via email, WhatsApp, messenger, video calls, zoom calls, or the rare in-person connection. And I'll try work on doing the same to others too. (Here is someone's thoughts on staying connected in this 'online only' age)
Hope.
I'm hopeful for the next 6+ months onwards.
At the start of COVID a lot of people were like "with lockdown lifestyle... there will be more time for yourself!". Turns out that this was a HUGE NO for me: I was constantly bouncing between super busy and then super tired periods.
But I feel that I finally have some sort of awareness or maybe mindfulness ('clearer, level head'), and off the back of that, perhaps an excitement for the future (there are things I want to change and work towards).
And there is a much greater hope which I can cling onto, one that is eternal and beyond the aches and groans of the broken world right now.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
Psalms 42:11
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12
I shared this one in a recent email (I love email):
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Romans 8:24-25
We must patiently persevere in the 'long game' together. Hope in God. Pray with me!
Final thoughts.
I mashed this together from a bunch of journal entries (a thing I'm attempting for real this year to help process the crazy times that is 2020)
Also, I'm posting this for people I know IRL. So, friend... please do tell me your story! Happy to chat! Or virtually!
*I wouldn't say I'm particularly smart or gifted - believe me, if anything, this year has revealed how much I don't know! As I like to retort, "No no no... I'm just good a googling". Of course, I don't doubt there really is some God-given gift, but I'm starting to suspect its more about that adaptability in learning new skills, being/taking up responsibilities, and being generously hard-working, than just having "amazing tech skills". Like I've been asked what the "U" marking means on the mixer fader, and I still don't know 🤷♂️
Addendum
**This friend later said similar about me being a busy person!