It's all been rather tiring.
Chronic illness, that is.
One particular symptom of mine has been the constant fatigue, which has been extremely frustrating in the year past... if you could imagine. I bounce in between 'better' days and 'worser' days. And I cannot stress the 'worser' days enough - although that you might not be able to really tell from the outside.
Enter "Invisible Illness" - what might be described to those on the outside as a "parallel universe" of existence. As a thought experiment I even obtained one of those hidden disability sunflower lanyards - as the internal debate within my mind rages: "am I... well?"
Turns out, I have been indeed "well enough" to make it to the end of another year! ☺️ But it has not been easy at all.
In God's kindness my underlying health condition has been overall improving, so I hope that at some point this coming year the doctors can adjust my treatment plan - which may or may not help; it is a fine balance between treating the right thing vs the side-effects experienced by the person from the medicine/s.
Getting through the day... with less
I'm a pretty simple dude. All I got is my all and I promise to give you that.
– Propaganda
People who know me will know that I am a fairly ambitious person. While I may not have physical fitness goals (again, part due to my health*), I am someone known for sinking my time and energy into projects.
So it has been no surprise to myself that I have been quick to move to disappointment when my body simply won't let me do the things I want to do. Cancelling on plans. I've laid on floors, lounges and chairs at friends' places when my body has started to fade out. Not knowing to commit to plans, if I'll be ok once the time comes.
I sometimes quietly wonder if I could replace myself with an "AI bot" to interface with the world; a copy of myself through which I could keep working on when I physically begin to shut down.
Looking forwards... with less
Health has played much into my daily anxieties for the future. Just how am I supposed to do/be/commit to/apply myself to <some topic of worry> with my newfound limitations? What implications would there be for XYZ for now? and beyond? Family? Friends? Ministry? Work? Socialising?
My Christian faith anchors me with truths:
- I can embrace my limitations and be okay being humbled because my identity is not in what I do; but rather I have been given assurance that I AM a child of God, no matter what.
- God is sovereign. He will work his purposes. I was recently reminded that "God always provides"
- Knowing God is my good father makes all the difference. And so God will work out his perfectly good purposes.
This year: 2025
- Not fixating nor overthinking on the temporal bad moments & temptations.
- Keeping it Simple. Breaking down tasks. Not overburdening myself. And not overburdening myself mentally by overestimating tasks (i.e. mental blocks).
- Being flexible enough and adaptable to situations. Being kind to myself when the best thing I can do for myself in that moment might be to simply rest or lay down for a while.
- 'Unplug' a bit more often - but also not entirely disconnect and retreat, but rather to have a healthy balance; an "integrated" self.
- I want to renew afresh my quiet times, finding a morning discipline that works for my routine.
- I do need some physical fitness goals too. e.g. Swimming; and I've started dusting off my bike out from the garage too - testing out the rust converter from the basketball hoop restoration project.
- As always, growing in friendships.
- And growing in leadership.
12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
– Hebrews 12:1-2
I've been reading through https://www.smbc.edu.au/resources/book/for-the-joy and their testament is clear: The path of walking with God is not easy, at all. There will be deep sorrows, hardship and even grief.
And yet, there will be joy.